Days Like Today

What is so interesting/frustrating about bipolar is how things shift at a moment's notice. But, that is the nature of the beast. Today, I tried to wake my son four times between 9-11:30. Fourth time was a charm! I tried to get him to watch an Adam Sandler movie with me (one of his favorites, thanks to his uncle), but he refused and wanted to watch tv by himself. I checked in on him at least every hour, made an ass of myself to try and get him to  laugh(eye roll central. Lol), offered to shoot hoops and was declined (sports is his favorite thing), woke him from a nap attempt at about 2pm and until the evening, despite my best efforts, I couldn't even get him to smile. This, my friends is the down cycle of bipolar aka the depression. Then the shift happened. He was overly giddy, laughing like a madman, antsy, physical towards others. Normally, as mother to a bipolar child, I relish in the times my son is able to feel true joy, but this was not it. For those of you who know an adult living with bipolar, children are far different. Adults usually cycle in multi-day even week increments. Children can cycle multiple times per day. My son had his antipsychotic reduced a few weeks ago to see how he'd do. A week ago, I noticed a marked difference. At that time, I requested he be put back on his original med regime. I am hoping that what I saw today is only the aftereffects of the brief med "trial". Regardless, this mama is on high alert...

Anxious...

Today marks another monthly team meeting at the Residential Treatment Center my son is currently living at for the majority of the week. I always feel great angst on these days because we discuss my son's behaviors since the last meeting (typically not uneventful), I sometimes have to see my son's father (he does not always make it to meetings, but when he does, it is stressful on me since we don't always get along and there is A LOT of resentment between us right now), and we discuss the timing of when my son might come home full time - which is probably what makes me the most anxious. My son has not lived at home full time in over 9 months. He has weekend passes which I typically rotate with his father's family on except for his father skipped his last weekend pass, so I will have him 3 weekends in a row. I also see my son every weekday to transport him from his public school back to the remainder of the school day at his treatment center. Despite all this time we spend together, all the time I spend advocating for him, attending meetings to help him move forward rather than take steps back, I am still not sure I am ready for him to come home full time. You may be reading this and think "what kind of mother doesn't want her child home", but I think having those doubts are what make me a great mom. We have tried so many different things that have failed, and while I am trying to be optimistic, I just do not want to have yet another treatment fail, so I am going with my gut and doing what I need to to ensure my son is actually ready for release. As a parent of a bipolar child, I have been faced with my share of tough decisions, sometimes even on a daily basis, but at the end of the day, I will always do what I feel is best for my family.

We Need to Talk About Kevin

     Some people go to movies to escape their everyday life, but I also turn to movies and books as a way to educate myself and find perspective. That is how I came upon We Need to Talk About Kevin (2011). I will try not to give too much away, but I am going to give as much detail as I feel necessary to depict the gist of the movie and my feelings after watching it.

    The movie centers around a woman, her husband, their son and their daughter. At times it is hard to follow because the story is told from the vantage point of the mother and is laden with flashbacks. Eva (the mother) is a very solitary woman, and at the center of that solitude is her troubled relationship with her son. Eva has always known something was off about Kevin. Throughout the movie, she tries to express her concerns to her husband, her son's doctor, etc. and is constantly told that he is just a typical boy. But Kevin seems to take pleasure in taunting her and the acts of violence he exhibits towards his sister only get worse as he gets older. The husband, Franklin, seems to live in his own reality and thinks everything is great with his family. He is, frankly (pun intended), clueless. Celia, the daughter, appears to be a normal, charismatic child. Eva floats through various stages of shock, confusion and disconnection throughout the course of the movie. Well, as you can probably guess by now, some bad shit goes down.

     I watched this movie several months ago, and I must say, it has left a long-lasting impression. It is a story that could be taken from the pages of any present day news publication, and that is why it scared the hell out of me. Mental illness is so freaking unpredictable. As parents, we want to think the very best of our children, but we also need to make sure that our concerns are voiced and heard. To live our lives in an imaginary world where we feel bad things can't ever happen is irresponsible parenting. It is our responsibility as parents of mentally ill children to observe, assess and do what is necessary to protect our family. If your child has violent tendencies, do not ignore them. 

Some other movies that are worth a watch that I feel somewhat accurately depict mental health issues:
The Virgin Suicides (1999)
Girl Interrupted (1999)
Prozac Nation (2001)
Black Swan (2010)
Waking Madison (2010)
Melancholia (2011)
Silver Linings Playbook (2012)
Call Me Crazy: A Five Film (2013)

A Brief Recap...

     My name is Lisa, and I am a 37 year old single mom to two amazing children - my son who is 14 and my daughter who is 12 and I also have an 11 year old bonus child that I get to shower with love! They are all so creative, talented, funny and smart and I know that I am blessed. But, life in general is an uphill battle because I have a son living with Bipolar.
    
     I knew something was different about my son shortly after birth. He was a fussy and anxious baby and seemed to have quite the defiant attitude. He hit all of his developmental milestones on time, so I was told not to be concerned. By the time he turned 5, he was kicked out of yet another daycare (his third!). This time, it was for stabbing a child in the neck with a pencil because the other child was on the computer my son wanted to play on. It was then that I finally took him to have a basic psych evaluation, and the diagnosis was ADHD and mood disorder unspecified. You see, Psychiatrists typically won't diagnose children with Bipolar until they reach adolescence, but they still treat the symptoms and behaviors the same with psychotropic drugs and behavioral therapy. And so the rollercoaster ride began...

     After 14 years of doing my very best to ensure my son is cared for, that my daughter does not feel neglected, and that I am taking proper care of myself, I feel compelled to also do what I can to help other parents facing similar circumstances. Locating the proper resources and avenues of support can be challenging and parents need as much help as they can get as they embark on this confusing and scary journey to better understanding childhood mental illness. It is not an easy journey. There are days I am hopeful that change could occur despite the fact we have tried SO MANY THINGS in the past that have failed; There are days I am paralyzed by fear at the possibility that my son could truly hurt himself or others; There are days I need to just cry in a dark room and mourn the life I THOUGHT I would have; There are days that I get so angry that I can barely count the number of expletives that pour out of my mouth because I am bitter at the hand that life dealt my family; and there are days that I feel relief at the fact that for the past 9 months I have had far less stress on a daily basis because my son was court ordered to get intensive mental health treatment at a residential treatment facility (where he spends most of his time). But, regardless of what kind of day I am having, life goes on...

     I am a mother of two, a divorcee (as of 5+ years ago), a girlfriend, a student, a parental figure to my bonus child (boyfriend's son) with Asperger's and a love for all things Lego and Minecraft, a student pursuing a degree in Nutritional Sciences, a full time business woman, a health rights advocate, a woman struggling with anxiety and depression, an abuse survivor, and much, much more. I am not someone who will give up on doing whatever I can to give my children the absolute best life possible. I will try my damnedest to not have a mental breakdown in the process. ;)

Until my next blog post, I am going to leave you with links below to some resources that may be useful to you.
My Bipolar Son-Bipolar From a Mom's Perspective
Life with Bob Blog
Just a Tad Bit Crazy - Mama of a Bipolar Child