Days Like Today

What is so interesting/frustrating about bipolar is how things shift at a moment's notice. But, that is the nature of the beast. Today, I tried to wake my son four times between 9-11:30. Fourth time was a charm! I tried to get him to watch an Adam Sandler movie with me (one of his favorites, thanks to his uncle), but he refused and wanted to watch tv by himself. I checked in on him at least every hour, made an ass of myself to try and get him to  laugh(eye roll central. Lol), offered to shoot hoops and was declined (sports is his favorite thing), woke him from a nap attempt at about 2pm and until the evening, despite my best efforts, I couldn't even get him to smile. This, my friends is the down cycle of bipolar aka the depression. Then the shift happened. He was overly giddy, laughing like a madman, antsy, physical towards others. Normally, as mother to a bipolar child, I relish in the times my son is able to feel true joy, but this was not it. For those of you who know an adult living with bipolar, children are far different. Adults usually cycle in multi-day even week increments. Children can cycle multiple times per day. My son had his antipsychotic reduced a few weeks ago to see how he'd do. A week ago, I noticed a marked difference. At that time, I requested he be put back on his original med regime. I am hoping that what I saw today is only the aftereffects of the brief med "trial". Regardless, this mama is on high alert...

Anxious...

Today marks another monthly team meeting at the Residential Treatment Center my son is currently living at for the majority of the week. I always feel great angst on these days because we discuss my son's behaviors since the last meeting (typically not uneventful), I sometimes have to see my son's father (he does not always make it to meetings, but when he does, it is stressful on me since we don't always get along and there is A LOT of resentment between us right now), and we discuss the timing of when my son might come home full time - which is probably what makes me the most anxious. My son has not lived at home full time in over 9 months. He has weekend passes which I typically rotate with his father's family on except for his father skipped his last weekend pass, so I will have him 3 weekends in a row. I also see my son every weekday to transport him from his public school back to the remainder of the school day at his treatment center. Despite all this time we spend together, all the time I spend advocating for him, attending meetings to help him move forward rather than take steps back, I am still not sure I am ready for him to come home full time. You may be reading this and think "what kind of mother doesn't want her child home", but I think having those doubts are what make me a great mom. We have tried so many different things that have failed, and while I am trying to be optimistic, I just do not want to have yet another treatment fail, so I am going with my gut and doing what I need to to ensure my son is actually ready for release. As a parent of a bipolar child, I have been faced with my share of tough decisions, sometimes even on a daily basis, but at the end of the day, I will always do what I feel is best for my family.