Anxious...

Today marks another monthly team meeting at the Residential Treatment Center my son is currently living at for the majority of the week. I always feel great angst on these days because we discuss my son's behaviors since the last meeting (typically not uneventful), I sometimes have to see my son's father (he does not always make it to meetings, but when he does, it is stressful on me since we don't always get along and there is A LOT of resentment between us right now), and we discuss the timing of when my son might come home full time - which is probably what makes me the most anxious. My son has not lived at home full time in over 9 months. He has weekend passes which I typically rotate with his father's family on except for his father skipped his last weekend pass, so I will have him 3 weekends in a row. I also see my son every weekday to transport him from his public school back to the remainder of the school day at his treatment center. Despite all this time we spend together, all the time I spend advocating for him, attending meetings to help him move forward rather than take steps back, I am still not sure I am ready for him to come home full time. You may be reading this and think "what kind of mother doesn't want her child home", but I think having those doubts are what make me a great mom. We have tried so many different things that have failed, and while I am trying to be optimistic, I just do not want to have yet another treatment fail, so I am going with my gut and doing what I need to to ensure my son is actually ready for release. As a parent of a bipolar child, I have been faced with my share of tough decisions, sometimes even on a daily basis, but at the end of the day, I will always do what I feel is best for my family.